Mindfulness practice has been gaining prominence in the field of mental health (and also pop culture) as a tool for harnessing psychological benefits. I’m happy to say that this growth in interest of this ancient practice has been proportional also to the growth in evidence of its positive outcomes.
There has been numerous reports of general psychological advantages. Perhaps what excites me more is that mindfulness has also been integrated into several modern psychotherapy modalities. Outcomes have been promising, especially in treatment of mental disorders, namely depression and anxiety. Interestingly, meditators and non-meditators show differences in activation of regions of the brain in imaging studies, with some studies also demonstrating structural differences in the brain (such as this study I read on thicker gray matter density in meditators).
When I conduct brief guided mindfulness sessions, the expressed benefit by the participants have oftentimes been a sense of calm and relaxation. However, I find that mindfulness practice brings out more than just that. Written below will be my subjective account of this practice.
The Wandering Soul
My experimentation with mindfulness practice began some time in my mid-20s. At that time, I was having a much harder time managing my emotions effectively. The highs felt like it could spin out of control, while the lows made me feel like I was drowning in quicksand.
I was then acquainted to a short practice by stumbling upon a guided meditation on YouTube. It was 8 minutes long, with instructions mostly related to breathing and also humming.
The rather immediate calming effects experienced from that exercise motivated me to make an impromptu trip to Rishikesh, India. Proclaimed to be the “birthplace of Yoga”, I spent a few days wandering this town. Over there, I picked up a book titled “Old Path White Clouds“, which told the story of the Buddha. I read it by a cafe by the Ganges river everyday, and eventually finished the book on my flight back to Malaysia.
It was through this travel experience that I understood more deeply what it meant to be “mindful” or “present”. In fact, that was the time when I understood what “spirituality” meant too.
My Mindfulness Practice
At first, 5 minutes of sitting down in silence felt like an eternity. But, it eventually just seemed to breeze by. Upon my return, I had built up my mindfulness practice to about 45 minutes per day.
By doing this, I noticed that regular mindfulness practice led to cumulative gains. I would notice an incremental value in my well-being and mood days after I had been consistent with the exercises.
Most days, sit downs were mostly uneventful. My mind practiced on concentrating, and bringing my attention back to that 1 thing when it does wander. But, there were days when practicing would lead me to experiencing intense sadness or anxiety. There were even bouts of uncontrollable sobbing. Some days, I was instead overwhelmed by a feeling of euphoria.
Receiving The Present
I noticed that these experiences were causing deeper psychological changes within me. The more familiar I was with sitting down in my own company, the more I was okay with experiencing unpleasant emotions. By allowing an unpleasant emotion to exist, the more I realize that it isn’t really scary or harmful. Before this point, I was spending most of my life trying to take action to avoid unpleasant emotions. That way of coping had tend to lead me down a path of questionable decisions. Ironically, the most effective solution that I have learned is to instead sit down and do nothing about it (while practicing present awareness).
Prior to this, feeling good meant only getting support from other people or things. But with regular practice, I felt like I was at a point in life when I was most okay with myself. I developed the awareness that I could also tap into “inner resources”, to which I could rely on myself to feel good.
Needless to say, regular mindfulness practice was a pivotal moment in my life. My personality and worldview had changed tremendously from those months in my mid-20s. I am a very much changed person.
Bringing My Attention Back to the Present
Those days of regular sit downs are now long gone. As much as I had received benefit from consistent practice, it did not seem urgent anymore when life got in the way.
Despite this, I find that something stuck with me from all those hours sitting down. I still am much more balanced and grounded than I was before. Could this be wisdom that came with age, or was it due to all those mindfulness practices? It’s hard to tell, but I bet it is a mix of both.
These days, I do on occasion sit down for 15 minutes to half an hour. Before a practice, it usually feels like I could be doing something else instead. But when I’m done, never once had I not felt grateful that I chose to do it.
Breathing In, Breathing Out
During a mindfulness session, I usually notice that my mind quiets down and stray less when I am at about 10 minutes in. I start to feel more present and “in the moment”. I am more in tuned with the breaths that I am taking. It just feels so much more effortless. And when I open my eyes, I see the world wearing a fresher lens.
Till today, I still find it bizarre that the degree of ease and the joy of just breathing can be so jarring, depending solely on my state of mind.
From all of this, the biggest takeaway from my experience with mindfulness is to always remember to breathe. When times get tough, I go back to my breath. Because what all this has taught me, is that there’s no greater joy than knowing that I am living.