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Aligning my purpose for 2018

I was very ambitious as I was setting out to do 2018. I had just taken on a new role at a university full-time, and had the intention of going into my office to consult clients during the weekends. At the same time, I am also growing an online counseling platform, which at the moment has become a rather promising prospect for the coming few years. I also had the goal of learning more about making good investments (stocks, commodities, and cryptocurrencies – I know, the latter being a point of contention) and grow a healthy investment portfolio. To make this a reality, I wanted to make sure that I save as much as possible. I also wanted to have time for a good amount of daily exercise, walks with my dogs, dinners with family… Oh, and a reasonable social life.

Spread too thin

As you may have figured from that rather exhaustive list, I ended up not handling that so well. I was in the period of adjusting to my new role, and despite the rather big difference in lifestyle I had to change to, thought that I could also muster up the drive to acquire an entirely new skill, save as much as possible, have a “life”, while still maintaining 3 responsibilities that I have for my career.

By the end of the day, I am usually too tired to even get started on studying up on the wealth of new resources. As a reaction to this stress, I spent much more money than I would usually do over the weekends. Essentially, I was doing the opposite of what I had set out to do. It felt like I was taking one step forward, and two steps back. That didn’t turn out too well for my emotional well-being, as I started questioning my competence and future direction. It did not feel good.

January 2018 - definitely stretched too thin.
January 2018
(source)
Gaining perspective

Part of the training for the new role involved writing a core value/ personal mission statement. This is a statement that embodies a person’s values and what he/ she intends to make out of his/her life. Although I’m not quite finished, it gave me a peek into my passion, values, and skills. Essentially, it is a statement of who I am as a person. It slowly began to dawn on me that I started out the year spreading myself too thin, with no focused direction to efficiently utilize my limited psychological resources. Doing this exercise, it was also very clear to me that my core value statement will revolve around the area of personal development, and the strong desire to reach out to as many people as possible.

Just the other day, I was having dinner with a couple of friends when the conversation started centering around financial management. One of them brought up a statement from a Tony Robbins book about investing too much (negative) energy and attention on what little money that can be saved. Instead, directing that energy towards activities and thoughts that could instead generate more money (in other words, putting that energy to positive action) would be a much more desirable alternative. Although I wasn’t much of a Tony Robbins fan, that really did hit home for me.

Writing down my personal mission statement turned out to be a really insightful exercise (source)
One inch wide, one mile deep

I was casually browsing through my old folders a few days later, when I stumbled upon the book that I was writing some time in the beginning of last year. At the back of my mind, I knew that I’ve always wanted to complete that book, but had been putting it off because I felt that it wasn’t too good. I was completely surprised by the sheer volume of how much I have already written. The articles also had the genuineness, intention, and thoughtfulness of what I think makes good writing. It was full of useful information that was well-written. I had underestimated my past self!

(source)

These chain of events made me realize that I was not centered in my purpose for 2018. The things that I need to get done and pursue relentlessly has been staring right at my face. Instead, I chose to pursue unrelated skills and activities that would deviate me from more fruitful goals. This insight felt like warm rays of light massaging my skin, as the dark clouds began to disperse.

2018 goals

I felt like I have found myself, and what I needed to do has become very clear. These are goals that are in line with my values and passion, which would then lead to productive outcomes. At the end of February 2018, I’ve found what I need to accomplish for the year, and they are:

1) To complete a personal development book catered to young adults.
2) To successfully receive VC funding for the online counseling app.
3) To consult a minimum of 3 clients every weekend at my practice.
4) To further develop facilitating skills with an audience at my new role in university, which would be a means of personal development in the area of public speaking/ training.
5) To save income generated from consulting private clients, and invest most of it to build a healthy financial portfolio.

2018, here I come!

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The Reason Why I Write

I have been fond of writing ever since I was a teenager. Before I had even known that there’s such a thing as a therapist (ironically, I’m one now), writing has always been my instrument to bring into awareness inner thoughts and emotions. It acts as a mirror, staring right back at me. As I write, the words that is on the screen is void of emotion and judgment. It’s matter-of-fact. If I can allow complete honesty with myself, I can see what I am really thinking and feeling. It can feel like I am ironing out the knotted mess that is my mind.

Aside from blogs that I used to have (and have now long forgotten, or have lost access to), I also used to have a notebook with me to pen my thoughts. In it contained entries as short as a few words, poems, grocery and to-do lists, random sketches of lines and circles, and whatever that could possibly be on my mind at the time of writing. That notebook became so emotionally significant to me, that the pages from the book was also cut out and used for love notes and letters that I would send to my girlfriend at the time.

I was the most creative, present, and emotionally aware during the period of time when I was consistent in writing and meditating.

There is a kind of warmth that I feel when writing. Just like how this picture feels.(source)

Unfortunately, I no longer possess that notebook. I have since dropped the habit of regular meditation. Based on the duration between entries on this blog, I have also lost touch with writing. I am guilty of taking writing for granted. It seems to me that I only willingly approach it when I am in pain, and in need of cathartic self-awareness. Like a mistreated lover, I only showered it with attention when I needed something from it.

Why do I abandon writing in good times, when it was the one that had kept me there in the first place? I am a walking paradox. But so is going through the passage of life, which can be rather confusing and out-of-order; despite its sweetness if I’m ever so present to stop and notice. This further validates my point that I should be writing more consistently. I can benefit from taking notice.

To be really frank with myself, I haven’t been feeling my best lately. In the past couple of months or so, I’ve felt like I’ve disappointed myself in various aspects: relational, financial, physical, and emotional. The past 2-3 years have been rather draining, and it feels as if the platform that is supporting me slowly thinning down.

I haven’t been allowing these emotions to come into full awareness and to just let it breathe. Writing was one of the ways to catch these feelings, and so was meditation. I just went on with my days, denying these feelings its right to exist during times when it rightfully should. And so here I am, writing about it, staring into these words that I’ve just written. It’s like a mirror to how I look on the inside, and I can live it in its full flesh. I’m appreciating this, more so in the silence of the night.

Emotions can be rather tricky. Despite how disappointed or down I feel about myself, I know that when viewed rationally, I have accomplished a great deal of things throughout this year and have held myself together considerably well given the circumstances. But then again, these accomplishments has its time and place. And for this moment, I would like to instead allow what I’ve been denying to claim its own space.

There is a kind of relief and warmth that comes from being honest with myself. Being truthful almost feels like being naked (guess that’s why they call it the ‘naked truth’). To just feel my truth, despite the pain, is actually a rather pleasant experience. I’m glad I took the time to do this. This is the reason why I write.

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Run the marathon, but do not lose sight of the goal.

Do you find yourself feeling tired and questioning what you’re doing with your life lately?

I’ve met with the ups and downs of entrepreneurship since getting into it about two years or so ago. There were times when motivation was soaring and I believed that I could completely achieve what I’ve set out to do. And there were times when I doubted my abilities in continuing. I’ve come to know from experience that the latter happens far more frequently in the realm of doing business. In recent times, this is what I have been experiencing.

What I’ve learned along the way is that having the purpose to doing something is far more important than any other resource that a person could have. This is true not only in business, but also in all areas of our lives, such as relationships, health, and so on. It’s fairly common to observe how two people could feel the total opposite about the same jobs that they are holding, despite being from the same family and financial background. With similarities in external resources, this could only mean that the difference in how they feel stems from how they think.

Many clients share with me about the struggles that they have in their careers, relationships, or health. Building skills is one way to deal with these struggles. However, one very important aspect of overcoming challenges is finding the purpose in going through with it in the first place. There is no other way to this. Whatever it may be, or wherever the inspiration may come from, nobody else can arrive to the answer of my purpose but me.

Keep the fire burning. Source:https://static.pexels.com/photos/21462/pexels-photo.jpg
Keep the fire burning. Source: https://static.pexels.com/photos/21462/pexels-photo.jpg

It is much harder to hold on to that something when the going gets tough. It is very easy to stumble when taking the hits. I couldn’t have asked for a better team, who have been completely dedicated towards reaching our desired goal. Seeing the fire and determination in them made me question myself. Do I have that fire in me?

The truth is, I’ve been taking the hits for the past two years. Just like a tired fighter in the boxing ring, he has to keep himself from falling, and to focus on delivering one hit at a time. And the only way to keep that focus and for that fire to keep on burning is to purposefully and repeatedly discover why I chose to be in it. Constantly rediscovering my purpose is what will keep my anchor within arm’s reach and to keep me grounded during all the times when the soul is weary.

As a personal reminder: run the marathon, but do not lose sight of the goal.

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My thoughts after watching the new movie: Logan.

I appreciate going for a late movie, followed by the calm and stillness that the night could offer me on the way back home. I decided to watch Logan, which to me was rather different than the usual explosions and attempts at witty banter that such a “genre” usually offer. Instead, I was greeted with a rather depressing tone which touched on a variety of human experiences such as love, relationships, isolation, and death.

Prior to the current setting in the movie, Professor X and Logan had lived in isolation for the past year and had gone through some very difficult experiences. This had got both of them in a rather depressed mental state. There was this scene that had struck a chord in me. It was a scene of Professor X resting in bed at a family’s home who had welcomed them for dinner and the night’s stay. Professor X, being old, frail, and at times displaying dementia-like symptoms, went into dialogue that it has been a long time since he had last felt safety, comfort, and togetherness. He strongly suggested to Logan that he too, should take some time to experience this. “This is what life is about”, Professor X said.

Logan (Wolverine) and Professor X in the later part of their lives.

This scene of him lying in bed and communicating his feelings of safety and being loved was rather touching in several ways. I began reflecting on how fortunate I am to be able to fall asleep in a warm bed in my family’s home, knowing that everything will be safe and as is when I wake up the following day. As much as I may be bogged down by daily troubles or worries about the future, it is rather easy to be less mindful of the treasures that are here in the present. I dare say that a majority of the world would, in a heartbeat, be more than happy to switch life positions with me, just to experience simple pleasures that I have every single night: sleeping in a warm bed, being together with family, and knowing that everything will be safe.

Why do we suffer?

It is perhaps a great mystery that I will have no answer to for the rest of my life, on why some people are born or have to experience great difficulty or suffering in life, while some others may not. While I may comparatively feel more helpless in alleviating external suffering such as poverty, I have chanced upon meeting individuals from all walks of life sharing experiences of suffering from within. I have met strangers, acquaintances, friends, and clients, who have shared feelings of being unloved and unsafe, similar to how I have felt at certain times. Despite differing backgrounds, this is the common ground that I can share with others, and to which healing is possible.

There was one particular ex-client that had come to mind as I was reflecting on that scene in the movie. He had come to me presenting with a relationship concern, in which his ex-partner had displayed a variety of erratic behaviors stemming from feelings of deep insecurity. He had suffered in the relationship, and had since let go of it. A sturdy and independent man, he was involved in high profile dealings which may not be necessarily legal (details of which was not disclosed in session). Due to safety concerns, he had to distance himself away from family and have minimal contact with people in general. He was not able to enjoy social relationships due to his work’s demands, and will not be able to assume an identity in society.

It was clear to me as sessions progressed that he has moved on from the past relationship. It was also clear to me that he will be continuing in his life choices and has little motivation to do otherwise. It had come to a point in the consultations with him that I found myself to be of little help towards improving his well-being. Objectives have already been met in terms of his mental health. We came to a conclusion that it was time to part ways, and therapy ended.

As I reflect on my time with that client, I strongly believe that he would continue coming in for sessions had I not brought up the topic of ending therapy. We might not even talk about anything relevant towards addressing his life concerns. My feeling is that we could be just sitting there, not speaking a word, or just having tea, and he would still see the value in coming in for sessions.

We all need a safe space.

Just like the scene of Professor X resting in bed, this client too derived a feeling of belonging and safety during the therapy sessions. Due to his life choices, he could not afford to feel belonged to or safe in his day to day life, and our therapeutic relationship was his way of satisfying such needs.

Love, safety, and belonging is indeed a fundamental human need. While I take the time to appreciate the scene in that movie, I also wonder if I had ended the sessions too soon. On the larger scheme of things, with the world lacking so deeply in fulfilling such needs, in what way could I help better?

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My name is Alvin, and I am lonely.

I was driving back home at 3 in the morning, and I felt alone.

It wasn’t the loneliest of nights that I have felt. But it felt lonely enough to have that bruised, sinking sensation in my chest. It’s the kind of loneliness where I feel drawn into the hollowness of my emotions. It’s like looking into a bottomless pit from above, deciding if jumping in would be a good idea. How deep can it go? Will I be able to reach the bottom?

The video that I had posted about being OK with being alone must have hit some raw emotions. Surprisingly, a few viewers had personally messaged me conveying their thanks regarding the video, in what I believe was an expression of relief that they are not in this on their own.

We were born naked into this world. And once our last breath has left the body, we are also leaving this world on our own. In our most natural way of being, we are both vulnerable and alone. Since when did the opposite become true? Is it really true that being alone or vulnerable is a sign of weakness? How was the narrative reversed?

You and I were born as social beings craving for deep, meaningful relationships. Somewhere through the passage of time, we experienced unfortunate events that bent our trust in the world. We no longer believe that the world is a safe place. We begin to separate ourselves from others, dividing one another through both concrete and psychological walls. What makes this more tragic is that there exists not only a barrier between you and I, but also a barrier between our inner and outer reality.

Over time, you and I no longer behave in ways which are connected to how we actually feel. We fear the consequences of embracing our vulnerability. We feel as if we are naked in a sea of clothed people. Others are social, and others are happy, right? Even if we are not social, and even if we are not happy, we should. Everyone else is. Or at least that was what we were made to believe.

The problem with this scenario is that it breeds a society that is divided and disconnected from one another, despite it being one of the most important human needs. We have settled with “good enough”. It is good enough that others acknowledge me for my accomplishments, but not my disappointments. It is good enough that I know your strengths, but not your weaknesses. It is good enough that you and I both know each other, but not on the finer details.

Is it truly satisfying to be living in this kind of world?

There is a solution for those who would want to be in a world where they are free from these barriers. It begins with knowing what is OK. It is OK to have “negative” feelings. It is OK to be sad, to be angry, to be disappointed, and to be lonely. It is OK to admit to these feelings and to live as authentically as your life demands you to. It is OK for others to have these feelings too.

When you are OK with your own feelings, you can also begin to understand that others share these feelings too, despite how hardened or desirable they are. The popular, the wealthy, the famous, the regulars, the socials, the loners, the downtrodden: deep down, we all share similar feelings. You know this because you too once played the game of being perfect.

Suddenly, you have much more in common with others than what you had previously thought. You do not feel as divided or distant from those around you. Your approach to life could be different. You are more forgiving of your feelings and the feelings of others. You are more intentional and genuine in approaching relationships. There is more room in you for love and kindness. You can live life with more courage.

Support group members oftentimes introduce themselves while also taking ownership of the concern that they are facing. This is a call to action to those of you who want to drop your act, live genuinely, and grow deep, meaningful relationships:

My name is Alvin, and I am lonely. Do you want to be in this together?

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The Year That Was 2016.

2016 could have been a better year. Over hundreds of thousands of people are displaced from their own countries, in a desperate attempt to avoid persecution, famine, and war. To escape such horrible conditions, a lot of them ended up losing their lives, are stateless with nowhere to go, having no food, shelter, or appropriate clothing to brave the weather, and not an idea of what the next few days would be like for them. 2016 also saw the escalation of primitive rhetoric based around geographical location, race, religion, and gender, which stirred emotions of the masses and opened the floodgates to behaviors stemming from hate and ignorance, not fitting of this day and age.  In 2016, many people suffered.

2016: When happiness could have been found within the turmoil. Image from theatlantic.com

I am very grateful to be able to sleep on the same bed every night, safe within the four walls of my room, not needing to worry if there will be food to eat, or water to drink, or if I’ll still be alive. Despite the troubles that this part of the world is facing with the economy and rampant corruption, I am thankful that I have the ability to enjoy the next breath that I am taking, and to have the opportunities that presents itself to me at every moment. I am grateful to be living in a relatively peaceful neighborhood and country.

Despite this, suffering presents itself in many ways. From the people closest to me to strangers that I have met by coincidence, what became clear to me in the past year is that suffering is universal. Yes, they may be driving luxurious cars and live in big houses. Yes, they may be in good health and having enough rest and nutrients to be healthy. Yes, they have others around them to interact with and to go through these times together. And yes, they will still be very much alive in the foreseeable future.

But they are suffering. The unhappiness is clear from the frustration that they express. They believe that the story of their own lives are unique, that their suffering is something that no one else is experiencing. They believe that others often have it better, that what others are showing through their social media feeds, or from their brief exchange of pleasantries shows that life is great for everyone else. Everyone else but them. They feel alone in their own world of suffering.

How did we become so disconnected from others that we fail to see how others, too, are suffering? How did we become so unaware of our own blessings and instead blame or pity ourselves because of what we are lacking?

It seems that with advancement in how fast paced information could travel, and how much opportunities we have to consume new information, we started becoming greedy and impatient. Our greed and impatience caused us to consume knowledge of others in bite sizes, often wanting to only know what other people are like on the surface. We have many friends, but none that we really know.  Our greed and impatience caused us to fit in as many things to do as possible, in hopes that we could gain more enjoyment, but without having the time to do the heavy and time consuming stuff, like personal reflection, developing self-awareness, and addressing our insecurities. After all, everything is at the convenience of a click of a button, right?

In 2016, we started failing in understanding both others and ourselves. We end up covering a mile wide, and not a mile deep.

Did behaving this way bring us any happiness?

On a personal level, I am hopeful. I am currently in the midst of writing a book scheduled to be published by mid-2017 (fingers crossed). In my book, How To Live A Fulfilling Life, I hope to illuminate the fact and fiction of happiness, meaning, fulfillment, and the good life. Clearly, a lot of what we are doing are not working for our own good, and a lot of what we could do in order to improve our lives have not been done enough. I’m hoping that my experience in practice, the research that I’ve been doing to write the book, and my own understanding of human life thus far, could offer a small contribution in improving the lives of all of us who are suffering.

Although I am almost half a month late, I would like to wish all of you out there a happy new year 2017, and may the year bring you bountiful opportunities to grow happiness in your daily life.

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Time Management and How You Self-Sabotage In 3 Big Ways

Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
– Jackson Brown Jr.

We’ve all done it: We have used the reasoning of having “not enough time” as a “get out of jail free” card from some commitment we have made to our friends, family, or colleagues at one point or another. Perhaps it is bailing on an evening out with your friends whom you’ve not met in a long time and promised not to lose touch. Or maybe it is a family dinner that you’ve set on your Google calendar but can’t make it due to an overdue report. In our fast moving modern world, time becomes such a valued commodity that we can’t seem to get enough of it. There’s just not enough time.

Does this speak to you?

It can be a nightmare chasing after time, and in the case of this picture, to be chased by time (source: Google images).
It can be a nightmare chasing after time, and in the case of this picture, to be chased by time (source: Google images).

Being a person takes some hard work. There’s many aspects of our life to juggle: family, friends, career, health, solitude, leisure, love, and the list goes on. When one aspect of life has a sudden demand for more time, other areas suffer. And to a certain extent, that is accepted and understandable to most people. People would understand if you have just fallen ill, or that the machinery at the factory you work in has malfunctioned and require immediate attention. These are natural indicators of you needing to temporarily invest more time into it, and to take off from your more routine standards of behavior.

However, if having “not enough time” becomes usual (and expected) of you, then it is most likely a reflection of character rather than circumstances.

And here are 3 big reasons why this behavior needs to be addressed:

1. Your reputation suffers 

Nothing leaves a dent more to your reputation than when you are known as the person who is unable to deliver. When juggling multiple commitments at a single time, you become less reliable and your output wouldn’t be the best that you are able to produce. When something is required of you, the thought that might pop up in a person’s mind would be “Can *your name* be trusted with this responsibility?”.

Indeed, there will be times when you find yourself being placed in a position where expectations are beyond what you’re able to deliver. Be self aware of your own capabilities and circumstances to arrive at a decision to take steps in either improving your delivery or to understand if the external culture that you are currently in does not resonate with your abilities or your current position in life (and as such, perhaps warrants an exploration of a more suitable environment). It is better to be focused on less than to over-commit and compromise on your reputation.  This is because a loss of reputation is a loss of opportunities. 

2. You hurt others around you

Have you been in a situation where you’re feeling excited to meet someone (like a date), only to be stood up at the last minute? How does that feel like? That is the same feeling that you produce in others by trying to cheat time. What you’re essentially communicating to others, be it in your personal or professional life, sounds something like this:

“My time is more important than yours”
“I matter more than you”
“I prioritize my own interests than the commitment that I’ve made with you”

If the target of these statements are your loved ones, these only makes them feel small and unappreciated. If these are directed to your colleagues or superiors, then you’ll eventually get to know of how such gestures are not reflective of the real world (refer to point no. 1).

3. You are not at peace. 

How does it feel like needing to be at two places at the same time? Is your heart pacing really quickly? Are your thoughts scrambling about? Chances are, you’re feeling more stressed and anxious than usual. Not only does this have drastic effects on your health in the long-term, but it also significantly reduces your quality of life. If you think you’re achieving more by over-committing to your time, you are actually accomplishing the opposite. This is because instead of living in peace and happiness, you are behaving in ways that contributes to anxiety and dissatisfaction.

In a nutshell 

Although allowing the notion of not having enough time to define your character may appear to benefit you (especially in immediate circumstances), it is on the contrary a damaging attribute that does not help you in your journey of self development and success. The fact of the matter is, we are all governed by the same laws of time, and it is up to us to use it mindfully. More can be accomplished by being aware of our capabilities and to be fully present in the commitments that we make, than to be the boy who cried wolf. You never know when would be the next crucial moment when the help and support of others are needed, only to not receive it, because all along you did not have the time. 

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3 Simple Steps to Life Mastery.

Hello everyone! This is my first attempt at recording a video of myself. I figured that this could be another way for me to put out helpful content, rather than just writing. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m pleased that I got around to doing it. Looking forward to putting out more videos!

Posted on 2 Comments on I think, therefore I am.

I think, therefore I am.

It’s been more than half a year since my last post on this blog. Much has been lost, and much has been gained. The most significant of losses would be  the sale of the cafe that I used to operate. One year of caring for something can bring about a kind of emotional attachment and feeling of loss. However, with the sale of the cafe, there were significant gains too. I have gained:

1) Good experience in running a business.

2) Good experience in running a business… as a sole owner (trust me, this is really tough. But also in my experience a necessary step to develop to the next level).

3) The necessary capital to start on my next business venture (this time, with more confidence placed on me by others due to my experience) with other business partners.

4) Knowledge of what works and what doesn’t for the product and applying it in the next business.

5) Fond memories of staff, family, friends, customers, and the struggle of making something work.

6) A new appreciation of doing business and what is required of me as a person to operate one.

Me in the cafe: our last picture together.
Me in the cafe: our last picture together.

The sale of the cafe was a business decision that I felt was the best step forward in order to grow, both for my self as a person and the business entity. It sits well in my heart because it was the right time and the right move.

How is this small snippet of me and my (ex) cafe related in any way with the title of this blog post?

For the past few months, I have been reciting gratitude before I sleep every night (i.e. 10 things that I’m grateful for today). While I cannot tell for sure if it provides a direct, positive effect on my mental health, it sure did develop a habit to think in a more positive way. And with that habit, came improved mental health.

To me, it is a fact of life that the bad and the good are inseparable. Sometimes, it may appear that there is more bad than good, and vice versa. Deep sadness comes from thinking that life is all bad, and overwhelming anxiety comes from wanting things to be good at all times. Such psychological disturbances, I believe, comes from a projection of  personal expectations, thoughts, and beliefs, that do not reflect how life is supposed to be.

The mind is just like a muscle; it needs to be regularly trained and fed with the right nutrients in order for it to grow. Among the many things that can be done for good mental health, practicing gratitude in daily life is one of those that I highly recommend. This is not a way to gain instant happiness, but instead to develop the habit to be happy and to allow ourselves to be fed with the positivity that we require in daily life.

A philosopher by the name of Descartes once came to a conclusion that he exists based on the principle of “cogito ergo sum”, which means “I think, therefore I am”.  To me, this carries a personal meaning of “how we think defines who we are”. As I end this blog post, I implore my readers to ponder: What kind of person would you like to be, and how do you think in order to be that kind of person?

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Do you still keep the Yellow Pages?

We had someone literally throw a Yellow Pages book at us and tell us “Do you think you’ll ever replace this?”

– Kimbal Musk (Elon Musk’s brother) in co-founding Zip2, an online directory which was then bought over for 307 million US dollars.

Do you still remember the Yellow Pages? For the uninformed, it is a very thick book (usually yellow in color) which contains contact numbers that you may need: products, services, corporate offices, etc. I am very sure all of you do not require such a book anymore. Any information that you’re looking for are now at your fingertips and is acquired within seconds, thanks to the technological advancements such as the smartphone, access to the Internet, and the plethora of complementary applications that can be used to fulfill our need for information.

So what is the point of bringing up the Yellow Pages?

Unexamined beliefs are similar to the Yellow Pages. Despite society moving forward and finding new, more efficient, and more effective ways of doing things, there are many of us who do not want their own version of the Yellow Pages to be replaced. As a consequence, many of us lead a life which is deeply unsatisfactory, inefficient, and ineffective. You see people using their Yellow Pages everywhere you go. You see it still being used by the grumpy old man who thinks his ways are right, the chronically depressed woman who thinks that all men are cheats, the socially anxious teenager who believes that others will think he’s stupid for speaking up, or the unfulfilled employee who thinks he is not worthy to make it to the next step in his career. The examples are endless.

Fun fact: The existence of the Yellow Pages is older than the formation of my home country, Malaysia.

You can probably relate to those fairly common examples because you see it in everyday life. I see it even more with clients in therapy sessions and the consequences that they suffer from as a result of relying on their Yellow Pages.  It is a rare occasion (and perhaps your lucky day!) if you have gone through a day without encountering a character who still brings a Yellow Pages with them wherever they go. As you are reading this, I would like to invite you to take a look at your inner self. Do you bring along a mental Yellow Pages with you too?

Here is a dose of reality for you: if you find yourself living a life that is unsatisfactory, inefficient, or ineffective in some way, that as a result causes you to feel depressed, anxious, or chronically angry, then that would mean you are carrying with you a belief that is (surprise surprise!) unsatisfactory, inefficient, ineffective, and most importantly, outdated! 

Was the Yellow Pages useful at some time in the past? Yes, it was. Similarly, your outdated belief about yourself, others, or the world was also useful in the past. Perhaps the grumpy old man needed to have a strong sense of self-belief to achieve a significant amount of success in his younger years; maybe the depressed woman had to believe that men are cheats to protect herself and let her wounds heal after a nasty break up; the anxious teenager might had  needed to keep quiet due to harsh punishments that he’ll suffer from voicing his opinions in his strict family, and maybe the unsatisfied employee had to believe that he is not worthy to be in a higher position as he had to share limited resources with other siblings in a modest family.

Your Yellow Pages served you well when it was needed the most. As you grow and experience more of life, your needs change. As a result, your beliefs have to change too in order to address those needs and to live a quality and fulfilling life.

Do all old beliefs need to change? No, as many of these beliefs may still prove to be useful. I still need to drink water from a cup, or to write with a pen. On the other hand, I definitely do not need to lug around a heavy Yellow Pages book to know which number to call. I have a smartphone for that.

It is now 2016. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that 307 million US dollars is worth way more than a copy of the Yellow Pages. It’s time to put that Yellow Pages of yours in the recycling bin.